Writing has been transformative for me. Quite literally, having the goal to publish a book before I hit 30 has changed my life. It’s change the way I prioritize things, my relationships and the way I view myself. It’s shifted my goals and dreams for my life and sparked a flicker of hope when I most desperately needed it.
And for the last three months, I have been in monster mode. Without fail I have been on a strict schedule of daily 4:00am wake-ups, working til 6pm and then rushing home or to Starbucks to continue writing til 9 or 10pm. But because I was so singularly-focused, other things fell apart. My house got neglected, other goals I had were pushed aside and my husband threatened to get a mistress (though to be fair, he has been asking for one for years, so I don’t know if this one technically counts).
So I have been trying to strive for more balance and with that, means less time dedicated to my writing and the writing process. It sucks. I throw myself pity parties. How can I become a billionaire by thirty-five if I can’t focus on my writing? (Note: working in therapy on dreams vs. delusions. #WorkinProgress)
And I notice that I am someone who, if I am not writing or looking at my writing every day, it’s harder for me to feel connected and jump back in. But it’s hard, yo. When I am crawling through my front door at 11:00pm after a twenty minute walk to South Station followed by a 40 minute train ride from Boston spent tactfully ignoring that pasty man with his hand shoved a little too far into his pocket, it’s hard/impossible to wake up five hours later and work on my book. So… I don’t. And I feel annoyed, frustrated, angry. But that’s not fair and I can’t keep going like that.
I need balance.
- Work is not going away. I like food and Netflix too much and need to pay my bills.
- Exercise is not a nuisance and a waste of time. It is something I need to feel better about myself and get my ass in shape.
- Eating healthy is not a time suck. It takes thoughtful planning, but it needs to be a priority because when I eat like shit, I feel like shit.
- Spending time with my husband isn’t a chore- it’s fun and relaxing and I need to prioritize him a lot more.
- My little sister (the Big Brother, Big Sister kind) is awesome and fun to hang out with. Make more time to check in with her and help her become the amazing woman she is destined to become.
- Mental health is important. Stay away from things that deplete you. Hug your dog. Smoke that joint. Don’t mix those two up.
- My house is my home and when it’s clean and tidy, I feel more relaxed. It can’t fall on my husband to do all the work. Though, I mean, if he wants…
So my goal moving forward is to try and find more balance. I’m in a bit of a “grind mode” because my book is set to be published next month (PS: hooooooly shit!) but I am determined to find time to focus on balance and not become a psychotic recluse who chugs wine, yells at the neighborhood kids to “shut up” and writes for hours hunchbacked over a laptop.
Also, I want to work on being kinder to myself. Set lower expectations. Trust the process. Enjoy the ride. And for godsakes, wash the freaking dishes.